CAH Unit Vs. Iron Man Ocampo

Layyyddieeesss and Genttlllemennnn,

Today’s encounter is a Six on One contest which will see the CAH (Crimes Against Humanity) Unit take on Iron Man Ocampo in the steel cage match of the ICC. To the thousands in attendance and the millions watching all over the world, ladies and gentlemen, let’s get ready to get Hagueddddd!

If the CAH Unit win then they go free but if Iron Man Ocampo wins, then they must pray not to let the soap slip out of their corrupt little paws. Now, let’s take a closer look at our contestants, shall we?

Uhuru Kenyatta aka Doobz aka Dopey aka The Red Eyed Wanderer.
Height: Very, very high
Weight class: Middleweight
Special moves: Smokes his victims out. Quite literally.

William Ruto aka The Intimidator aka Will.I.Am.R.U.To?
Height: Usually 6 something but when his head gets bigger then it’s all relative.
Weight class: Heavyweight.
Special moves: Sweet talking his way through the Rift. As deadly as a Venus fly trap. (Yes, a plant analogy, since he’s got a degree in Botany. Also makes me wonder who Uhuru’s dealer is.)

Hussein Ali aka Major Pain
Height: Unspecified. He doesn’t like to ask or answer questions. And I don’t like to get shot.
Weight class: Heavyweight
Special moves: Likes the policy of shoot first, asks questions much, much later.

Henry Kosgey aka The Resigned One aka Konfused Kosgey
Height: Taller than the hair of his moustache, but not taller than a tree in the garden of Ruto’s Botany.
Weight class: Middleweight
Special moves: Perpetual look of confusion draws his opponents/victims in then he probably kicks them in the nuts and runs away screaming.

Francis Muthaura aka The Schemer aka The Really, Really Old Guard
Height: 5 foot something
Weight class: Cruiserweight old age section
Special moves: Usually just simply outlives his opponents.

Joshua Arap Sang aka The Instigator aka Little Voice aka Handshake Break aka The Nairobi Pea
Height: Giving the Dwarves in the Mines of Moria competition for record shortness.
Weight class: Super duper cruiserweight. If it’s windy in the Netherlands, they’re going to have to put him on a string and pull him along like a kite.
Special moves: Floats like a butterfly, stings like when you pee.

And in the other corner, their opponent…

Luis Moreno Ocampo aka the Beast of Buenos Aries aka The Iron Man
Height: As tall as the scales of justice.
Weight class: Right now? As heavy as Kenya.
Special moves: Prosecuting opponents with the precision of a stealth bomber.

This Six on One showdown is a one of a kind encounter. The CAH Unit will throw everything they’ve got (probably Sang) at The Beast of Buenos Aries.

And now, a word from our sponsors. We’ll be back Sangly.

CAH Unit Vs Iron Man Ocampo, tragically sponsored by the lives of 1,300 Kenyans.

CAH Unit training and defence tactics, proudly sponsored by the donations of thousands of blind Kenyan sheep.