Political Porn

“Up, down. Up, down, round and round. In, out. Scream and shout. Do it like they do in the movies. Yeah, talk dirty. Tell me things I want to hear. Ooh yeah, that’s it. That’s the way, keep it coming. Now let’s record it. Let’s put it on TV. Let’s print pictures. Don’t worry, no one will find out.”

I’m talking about lies and how they move in our society, you little perverts.

So there’s been a Kenyan media blackout proposed blocking out the Ocampo6 and anything related to them. Now here’s some harsh truth for you. Unfortunately, the blackout will not sell newspapers meaning that newspaper editors will have to make a moral decision and we all know where morals crawl to when it comes to money. The blackout won’t make millions tune into the terrestrial news channels in hope to catch what their favourite villains are up to today. People will sign onto the campaign but its human nature to seek controversy. It’s unfortunate but people thrive on the soap opera of politics to get away from their own lives for a while. It’s entertaining escapism. It’s what we love to hate. And in a twisted way it builds communities. People come together to hate the politicians and their inane methodologies.

We’re all guilty of perpetuating their presence in our society. If there was no demand for it then the media would simply stop covering these topics. But we all watch these walking testicles smear their lies-sperm on news. What’s more is we want to watch this catastrophe unravel because we’re all hypocrites deep down. We cannot fight our nature. We’re attracted to the troubles of other people’s lives.

It’s sadistic voyeurism.

It’s our intellectual masturbation while watching political pornography.

It’s the thrill of fighting and spitting in one corner and defending the other with bloodshed.

Personally, I think I’d rather know what the devil is doing instead of always waiting for an insidious sneak attack. Because that’s what they’ll do. I’m an advocate for the spreading of news though, not bullshit. Now some people are so stupid, when they hear about the building blocks of life, they think “LEGO” and those are the ones that are being targeted by these crafty politicians of ours. These are the people that are taken advantage of. The news should be broadcast; it’s up to the people to take what they want from it. And if the people are stupid enough to keep falling for old played out tricks then there’s absolutely no hope for a stable future.

Here’s a thought. Instead of a blackout, I propose a wipe-out. A complete overhaul of our government. We could do the generic things like march in large protest groups armed with placards. Or we could be creative and send ninjas with disease tipped shurikens to do the job. Or we could be brutal and unleash the UON warriors and Valkyries on them. Either way, we really should do something because this political porn is skull fucking our heads.

A media blackout doesn’t solve the problem. It simply ignores it. What say you?

CAH Unit Vs. Iron Man Ocampo

Layyyddieeesss and Genttlllemennnn,

Today’s encounter is a Six on One contest which will see the CAH (Crimes Against Humanity) Unit take on Iron Man Ocampo in the steel cage match of the ICC. To the thousands in attendance and the millions watching all over the world, ladies and gentlemen, let’s get ready to get Hagueddddd!

If the CAH Unit win then they go free but if Iron Man Ocampo wins, then they must pray not to let the soap slip out of their corrupt little paws. Now, let’s take a closer look at our contestants, shall we?

Uhuru Kenyatta aka Doobz aka Dopey aka The Red Eyed Wanderer.
Height: Very, very high
Weight class: Middleweight
Special moves: Smokes his victims out. Quite literally.

William Ruto aka The Intimidator aka Will.I.Am.R.U.To?
Height: Usually 6 something but when his head gets bigger then it’s all relative.
Weight class: Heavyweight.
Special moves: Sweet talking his way through the Rift. As deadly as a Venus fly trap. (Yes, a plant analogy, since he’s got a degree in Botany. Also makes me wonder who Uhuru’s dealer is.)

Hussein Ali aka Major Pain
Height: Unspecified. He doesn’t like to ask or answer questions. And I don’t like to get shot.
Weight class: Heavyweight
Special moves: Likes the policy of shoot first, asks questions much, much later.

Henry Kosgey aka The Resigned One aka Konfused Kosgey
Height: Taller than the hair of his moustache, but not taller than a tree in the garden of Ruto’s Botany.
Weight class: Middleweight
Special moves: Perpetual look of confusion draws his opponents/victims in then he probably kicks them in the nuts and runs away screaming.

Francis Muthaura aka The Schemer aka The Really, Really Old Guard
Height: 5 foot something
Weight class: Cruiserweight old age section
Special moves: Usually just simply outlives his opponents.

Joshua Arap Sang aka The Instigator aka Little Voice aka Handshake Break aka The Nairobi Pea
Height: Giving the Dwarves in the Mines of Moria competition for record shortness.
Weight class: Super duper cruiserweight. If it’s windy in the Netherlands, they’re going to have to put him on a string and pull him along like a kite.
Special moves: Floats like a butterfly, stings like when you pee.

And in the other corner, their opponent…

Luis Moreno Ocampo aka the Beast of Buenos Aries aka The Iron Man
Height: As tall as the scales of justice.
Weight class: Right now? As heavy as Kenya.
Special moves: Prosecuting opponents with the precision of a stealth bomber.

This Six on One showdown is a one of a kind encounter. The CAH Unit will throw everything they’ve got (probably Sang) at The Beast of Buenos Aries.

And now, a word from our sponsors. We’ll be back Sangly.

CAH Unit Vs Iron Man Ocampo, tragically sponsored by the lives of 1,300 Kenyans.

CAH Unit training and defence tactics, proudly sponsored by the donations of thousands of blind Kenyan sheep.