The Pavement Psychopath

Greetings Tovarishch,

I am Borris. I am residing inside Shamit’s mind. There are a lot of peoples here and I need to get out sometimes. So here I am. I write.

Comrade Shamit has come back to his homeland of Kenya. This not goot for me. I have very little patience and getting angry all the time. I give you example. Ve vere in town other day and ve valk on the sidevalk and I realize people move very slow. People moving so slow I vant to kick them in their buttocks to get out of my vay. In Soviet Russia, ve vud beat people vith bat until they learn their lesson and valk qvickly.

Oh, shut up Boris, you big brute. It’s me again. Sham, the dominant personality in my head. Most of the time. Apologies, they get out every now and then, the voices in my head. The Russian is annoying but he does have a point doesn’t he? So let’s see, now that he’s made me aware of it, I’m sure I can write something about it.

There are many, many things that irritate me. Many things. I could make a list as long as my arm, leg and other parts of my anatomy about these things. But I won't. One of the main ones is people walking slowly or people walking into me which both happen on a daily basis unless I’m in the hills somewhere. Nairobi city centre, it seems, is a town full of lonely people who want some sort of physical intimacy even if it’s as brief as a male virgins first time. It’s so strange the way bodies are rubbed, who knows whether innocently or not, on each other. Especially in matatus. I wonder, is it the lack of physical human contact that urges people to go out to complete strangers and rub their asses across one’s shoulders? I mean, I’d never rub my ass on someone’s shoulder. Because, you know, I’m polite and all.

Its funny then isn’t it? How Kenyans are about speed on the roads but very slow on the sidewalks.

Another amazing thing is how Kenyan pedestrians have eyes on the backs of their heads for a full circular range of visibility. This I can attest to for one reason that has happened to me a number of times. I’m walking along, trying to build momentum through the frictional fires of human bodies and inevitably I come to a close standstill behind a fat mama or two. I swerve to the right, and just like magic, they take two steps to the right. I drastically swerve to the left, and just like witchcraft, they take two steps to the left. Now, here I am, sweating from the excursion, seething with little fires of anger as the red mist descends. Here I am, interlocked in this furious dance for prime position on the pavement with two old, fat ladies who, on the surface, seem oblivious to my plight. But they know. I know they know. And I know that they know that I know they know. And that perverse pleasure of my pain makes them cackle like broomstick witches.

Another thing that really grinds my gears is how people in matatus wait until the last possible moment before they remove the money from their wallets, pockets or purses to pay the conductor with. Before I walk into a matatu, I always make sure I have the money in my hand. That way, I don’t have to go fishing for it in my pocket in a cramped ride. But here are these people. They enter the matatu, banging your head with a breast here or an ass cheek there. They sit down, get comfortable between people and then just wait. When the conductor finally asks them for their fare, they create irritating disruptions in seated order. Violent hands thrust into pockets and purses, blind fingers fishing for coin and paper. They lean onto me, sweat stinking of what has to be at least seven showerless days and breath smelling of the rotting carcases of animals that were made extinct in their mouths. All this would be avoided if only people had even the smallest bit of foresight and just prepared their fares a minute in advance.

One more thing before my lunch break is over and I have to get back to writing dull forms. Again, in matatus. What the hell is the hurry? You’re sitting in the back seat, I’m in the middle seat and I try getting out and you rush past me like the devils on your tail. Are those three seconds really that important to you? You’re the same person who’s going to get out of the matatu so quickly just to get on the street and walk like a slumping, rohypnol swallowing sloth.

So I smile. Because the alternative would be murder. And murder is bad. Or so I’ve heard. And restrain is good.

Until the rubber band snaps.

The Predators of Dr. Mat Atu

Boom. Bhoom. BHOOM. BHHHOOOM!

The bass line from deep jungle beats fills the air in your head. The “ee ee ooo ahh ahhh” of the generic Hollywood monkey starts to frantically screech away in the distance. Your senses are heightened. Awareness accentuated by pints of adrenaline. You’re ready for anything. Large concrete trees with metal branches and glass leaves stand tall and stretch all around you. The rustling of dry paper, the cackle of dead twigs, the howl of the banshee wind and the murmur of the wildebeest-like crowd surrounds you. Engulfs you. You can smell the lingering scent of dust, sweat and…kuku porno?

The jungle of Nairobi city centre.

The predators come alive with the early dawn. Nature, inversed. They come out in their droves with their yellow stripes making other creatures cower in tangible fear. They hunt in packs until they see their prey. Then it becomes survival of the craftiest. These predators rule the streets without empathy, without fear, probably without insurance and with one purpose only. To eat. They’re always hungry. Always looking for their next meal.

We hear the primal roar of their blaring contemporary music even before we see them. The anticipation breeds in droplets of temple sweat. The twenty shillings in your hand digs into your sweaty palm. Ostentatious designs painted on their dented hides flatter like dominant males in nature looking to court their females or fight away their adversaries. Over time they’ve evolved and they’ve developed special powers. If you look directly at them you may be hypnotized and drawn into the tractor beam of their gritty charm. And once they consume you, once you’re in their uncomfortably warm and moist bellies, you must pay and squeeze your way out. This is where that twenty shillings embedded in your palm comes in handy. Once you’re out again, you’ll want to breathe deep and suck in as much untainted oxygen as you can. I implore you, don’t. Because once they pass you, they fart out silky, black clouds of excreted exhaust fumes.

The predators, they have a symbiotic species attached to them which screamingly seduce their prey into their clutches. These symbionts are commonly known as the Makanga. They’re tiny in stature but massively industrious, street savvy creatures who swim their way around the psychology of the human mind. They have to, that’s how they ensnare their daily victims.

The predators are many. Legend has it that their brains and eyes were carelessly constructed in the depths of a dingy laboratory by a mad scientist who was obsessed with breaking the road safety rules and regulations. They say, in hushed whispers, that inspired by Dr. Frankenstein, he spent his entire life in pursuit of perfecting this predator of the streets and that this bent little old man, they called him Dr. Mat Atu, harnessed such genius and mechanical ability that his creature would rule the rough pathways of the vast jungles of Nairobi forever. No one knows where he went or if he’s even alive. Some say that his creation consumed him when he couldn’t afford to pay the fare. Others say that the hunters assassinated him and that his head hangs as a trophy in their offices.

The hunters lethargically stand with their guns. Their bellies, full of bribes, poking out of their blue uniforms. They’re always on the look out for the predators. Overlapping, rule breaking, music blaring. All the misdemeanours they look to falsely penalize. They stand in the glaring heat of the Nairobi jungle just waiting. Always waiting. Patience is the mark of a good hunter. But the predators are hardly ever caught because four wheels are better than two legs. The hunters go hungry while the predators feast. It’s that hunger that leads to corruption.

As the day turns to night, the predators scurry away into their habitats. Safety in numbers. A few of them linger around. The diseased ones. The broken down ones. The ones alienated from daytime community. The ones that would be caught too easily by the hunters during the daytime. These maimed creatures scour the streets for unsuspecting victims. They move as much as they physically can before retreating or dying out on the roads.

Then Nairobi nights become quiet. Silence ensues. You can breathe once again. The Hollywood monkey is tranquilized for some time. Or it’s too busy playing with its vitaminized faeces. The jungle beats fade into swirls of mild thought. In my head the thoughts are purple. The predators are far away and you can sleep the sleep of the safe. The jungle collapses into slumber.

Rest well because tomorrow the hunt begins again.